the coachmans special (no apostrophe needed. really.)

walking into the coachmans dinner & pancake house in downtown salt lake for lunch is like peering into my past, circa 1986. back then, i was a punk-ass line-cook at the provo location, a restaurant owned by kind russians, waited by saucy female staff and food prepared by even more sauced cooks (which helped make it run like a well-oiled machine).

pretty sure the provo location has changed menus, owners and clientele several times over the years. thank heavens salt lake hasn't changed a thing. right down the wait staff.

certainly the decor hasn't changed in 23 years. there's still the red-crushed, total kitch velvety motif, which only adds to the true down-home, americana diner and cafe feel. and of course, the menu hasn't changed in two decades.

nor has the clientele. check your pretension at the door, please. and that's a good thing. there are suit and ties, cute blue-haired couples with their favorite booth, guys in flannel swilling cups of joe, and the occasional 'neck couple grinding with matching camo trucker hats. again, all good.

so is the food, to get back on topic. coachmans has always been about great, comfort food meals with decent portions and value-priced. breakfast is the hit of the day, any time of day. lunch is what you would expect. and hell, they are the only place i know of that touts TROUT in all caps outside along 1300 south. and CHOPS, too.

while my mates went the breakfast route i went with, of course, the coachmans special. why is it special? who else serves a pastrami sandwich with one-thousand island dressing? no one, that's who. not 1,000; it's one-thousand. big difference.

the rosette roll, the dressing, the fresh tomato and the pastrami all come together in the tried-and-true familiar taste of coachmans. served with fries, this is a great lunch.

breakfast looked awesome, as well. i admit i nearly had regrets not going with the others and the heart-healthy slabs of bacon. and shortstacks. and syrup. wow.

our server was stellar (we never got her name — maybe stella?). i lost count of how many times she refilled our coffee, but safe to say i never saw a half-empty cup the entire hour we were there. and the food also came quickly for a table of seven dudes.

the old adage is true: the more things change ... oh wait, one thing has changed. the cigarette machines up front in the lobby now vend wrigley's, snickers and tic-tacs. who'da thunk.

oh, and bill and nada's was also mentioned at lunch. must've been the environs.

man-up possibilities: 10 (bacon; large portions)

food quality: 8.5

fizz-o-meter of coke: i had coffee. it was really good.

service: 11

overall: 9.5

quotes o' day (the extended, remix, 12" version):

we should blog the rescue mission lunch.

did he weave his own seat belts out of twine?

there should be a class on how to cheat. tiger would pay for that.

that was a long time ago. you were 8, i think.

can i grab you guys some tasty beverages?

everyone's setting up their friday night at the escort service there.

i'm not the one eating it, just as long you're the one satisfied.

i got kicked out of spencer's gifts when i was 9.

i thought you said camel.

it's made from the ends of the roasts ... and old dirty mop heads.

she'll do 'em if they're local ... what about in-n-out?

ah, the old in-and-out.

brady doesn't need to know what a computer is.

does that do square root?

we're getting kicked out.

— big.red

Is that Acme on your face?

With the recent addition of In and Out Burger to the Salt Lake City market, the GPaK was craving a burger this week. We seriously considered taking a bus to Draper to commemorate the occasion, but we then realized we'd have to take the entire afternoon off in order to make it happen. From location (not near downtown) to too many patrons on opening week, we just knew there was another option out there that we've yet to review.

Enter Acme Burger Company. The GPaK visited Acme some time ago, but has yet to pay a visit under the current rule system of "have we blogged about it yet?" So after our morning donuts... the highlight of every Friday morning, the decision was made.

Acme is on the higher end of burger joints. And past visits have shown that higher end also equated to slower delivery of the goods. Not today.

The mojo has been good to us with regards to parking the past few weeks. After tempting the parking gods and landing on a broken meter — that means you can't put money in it, but also can't/shouldn't get a ticket — we took our seats inside Acme at about 12:36 p.m.

Our order was in about 12:44, and after a visit to the restroom — I always have to check these out and the hot water is in ample supply (a good thing for you and your food preparer), we had our food in front of us about 12:55.

I selected the classic burger, prepared medium and accompanied the juicy sandwich with the best sweet potato fries I've ever had. The bun was toasted, the dressings fresh and chasing it with the usual water made for about the most satisfying meal since Smash Burger, back when Brady was high on sudafed. The crispy fries were covered with just the right amount of sugar to give a sweet and salty taste that would do battle with just about anything.

We deposited ourselves into Brady's ride at 1:22 and couldn't believe how fast we'd just eaten at a sit-down restaurant where your burger is not prepared under a heat lamp.

The lowlight of the outing was a wet willy given to me by the Nut (GPaK calls him this) about the time we arrived back at the office. Fortunately the office bathrooms have warm water and I was able to cleanse my ears properly. We know who to blame when I contract some disease.

Man-up possibilities: 10
Food quality: 9.5
Water: watery
Service: 9.5
Overall: 9.5

—SuperScrunch

In an effort to approve upon my kryptonite (scary and unused words), I give you SuperScrunch's Word of the Week:

Rejoinder (ri-join-der)
–noun

1.	an answer to a reply; response.

2.	Law. a defendant's answer to a plaintiff's replication.

Quotes of the day:
Ladies go first. Ladies plural.
I don't know what they were doing, but they bruised the hell out of that puppy.
If you're gonna do it, do it like a man.
Vocabulary is your Kryptonite.
Chuck distracted me by licking his plate.
This morning for breakfast, I had a bowl of lard.
Sorry. I live in a house full of women. I'm used to taking whatever I want.
I'm anti-yam.
It could be a baby for all I know.
That was an old man burp.
El Gigante tramples tiny opponent.

Lunch engine optimization

Whatever does the title of this post mean? Well, this week I learned about "search engine optimization." It's all about keywords if you want to drive traffic to your site, and I really wanted to bring eyeballs to our blog. I had a brilliant plan, too! But I must confess that I chickened out. I apologize for my weakness.

And speaking of weakness, I felt like today's lunch at Caputo's Market and Deli was a bit weak. Before you fans of the place freak out, allow me a moment to explain.

I have no problem with the look and feel of Caputo's. The dining space is open and sunny, and I liked the atmosphere. I have no problem with the service, which was friendly and lightning-quick (my sandwich was ready before my drink cup was filled). I also don't have a major problem with the food. I ordered the meatball sandwich, and it was good. The meatballs were tasty, the sauce was good and there was plenty of cheese to make the whole presentation nice and melty.

But here's the thing. A few weeks ago, I had a gargantuan meatball sandwich at Grove Market. And it was better. The meatballs were bigger. The sauce was tastier. The bread wasn't just a bit too chewy, like it was at Caputo's. And the price was right.

My wife, my friends, random acquaintances — anyone will tell you that I'm a cheapskate. For my sandwich at Caputo's — JUST a sandwich, mind you — I paid $8.25. I didn't get chips, because they cost extra. Add in the cost of my drink — NO COKE PRODUCTS AVAILABLE!!!! — and my "meal" came to $10.52. For that much money, I felt like I deserved more.

So again, there's nothing really wrong with Caputo's or its food. I just felt like not enough was right. I know it's a popular place, and I'll probably be burned in effigy for professing this opinion, but there you go.

Man-up possibilities: 8
Food quality: 7.5
Fizz-o-meter of Coke: NA (due to lack of Coke, I had Dr. Pepper)
Service: 9
Overall: 8

At least today's quotes were good:
"Your rear end might be sticking out."
"Wow, you really manned up there, Chuck."
"Those are his actual high school pants."
STATEMENT: "I sent an e-mail while sitting on the toilet." RESPONSE: "I hope you didn't send an attachment."
"I'm totally eating a doughnut when I get back."
"I would edit that out if you tried to put that in."
"You're letting him get in your head, man!"
STATEMENT: "They sell kits." RESPONSE: "Dumpster diving kits?" REJOINDER: "Sure, at Target, Walmart, Kmart."
"I was distracted by the big, shiny building."
"I was thinking about wood."

GPak-vana

It was bound to be a spicy lunch after our first exchange with SuperScrunch.

"Wow. Four of you?" SS exclaimed.
"Wow. You can count!" I shot back.
Jon held up his middle finger, flipping us off.
"That's one," Big Red shouted.
Jon then raised both hands with the double-flipper-offer.
"That's two," Big Red said again.

For the next seven minutes we debated back and forth about where we could go for lunch while we walked to the parking structure, then during our drive down State Street. Call it GPak-vana!

"What women's group came and took over your bodies, boys?" one voice shouted out while we were still deciding.

But then it hit. ... Five Star? Yes!

Then it hit again. ... La-Cai Noodle House? Yes!!

Oh, wait ... once again it hit! ... The Bayou!? Oh, yes!!!

On a beautiful November day with the warm sunshine making it feel like early October, we headed to another one of my favorite places with the slogan, "Welcome to Beervana."

After amazing parking karma, we were quickly seated and then greeted by Yolanda, a very pleasant and super-efficient server.

Once a private club, this Cajun-style pub boasts about its huge beer selection. And if we weren't working I would have grabbed a Rogue ... yum.

I chose my ultimate favorite Bayou dish, the Jambalaya, and added crawfish for an extra couple of bucks.

But I started with a side salad and their delicious creamy balsamic pesto dressing.

Just as quick as we were served and finished our salads, our meals arrived, in a timely fashion again. And Yolanda was there refilling our drinks even when we didn't realize we had gotten low on the Cokes.

One of their signature dishes, Jambalaya is packed with rice, sausage, ham, celery, onion and some seriously tasty Cajun seasoning. I always add the additional crawfish, but usually can't quite man-up and eat the entire meal. Brady was kind enough to carry my lunch back to the office for me with an assist from SuperScrunch.

I highly recommend the Bayou. Whether you enjoy a cold beer or not, this place is first class.

--Wingnut
Service: 10
Food Quality: 10
Man-up factor 10
Overall: 10

Quotes of the day:
I just had to run down to Cockers. They had my stuff ready.
Do you have any girl meats?
What kind of kids are you raising?
My lips are burning. I feel like I could breathe fire.
Waiting for a citrus bath.
Do you have any latex gloves?
Let's go to the steaming pile of meat emporium.
What women's group came and took over your bodies, boys?
I raked this up just the other day in my yard, and now I'm eating it.
Chuck couldn't carry my junk. (pause) I'll take Chuck's junk.

Stoneground = Mojo!

Yeah, we've heard it before. But it really has just been building up to this. There's been a lot of talk about the the return of the GPaK mojo. But today was the absolute proof.

It was somehow up to me to select the location for today's outing. And a special one it was supposed to be. But I just wasn't feeling it. Then SuperScrunch spouted "Stoneground" and suddenly all of us had it.

Some reservation crept in as we counted heads. Seven of us meant two cars and that meant two parking spots. That has been a problem at that downtown eatery in the past. ¡No Problemo hoy!

Stoneground is nice for a larger group because they have an open atmosphere and plenty of tables to push together. Yes!

As a vegetarian, there are lots of great choices from my favorite — House pasta — to the Eggplant parmesan sandwich. Plus creative salads, big sandwiches and veggie pizzas. There is a great variety for omnivores as well. Yum!

Our service was great. I've always noticed a casual and friendly attitude at this place, and I like that in a waiter. He handled our orders efficiently, split the checks, and although it might have taken slightly longer than expected, all our food arrived at the same time and in front of the right man. Sweet!

So that's the proof, parking karma, fun place, and great food. The mojo is back!

Carbonation report: Perfect! ;)

Food quality: I call the house pasta a 10.

Service: 9 (18% added as our group was larger than six)

Overall: 9

Notes:

Takes a bit longer than usual, so it's not a quick lunch place. May be a bit on the pricey side, as the House pasta is $12 (includes side salad), but it is very good. Serves pitchers of beer (I'll have to remember that for after work outings).

Quotes of the day:

Do you want your bum warm? Yes, I want my bum warm.

If you want to know where the GPaK Crew went for lunch today, there's an app for that.

Bring the haze.

I'm officially an a**hole. Welcome to the club.

2012 on what day? The end of 2012? No, Dec. 21. The end of the Mayan calendar.

Do you wanna see mine?

You must be like me: strictly porno.

He doesn't know how to use it.

Better than a warm tummy and a full bum.

Jonny got all excited.

To our fallen brethren.

I don't see it going anywhere but up.

If we all weighed 300 lbs we'd be screwed.

My daughter IS bacon.